Mom: this makes me happy today: Your Amazon.com order of “Swingline Electric Stapler…” has shipped! I cut myself on a danged ol staple from our cheapie one and I told pa I wanted an electric stapler…so he bought me one. ❤
Bug: is it red?*
Mom: no. black. Like the color of a burned down building.*
Bug: hahaha, nice.
*Only fans of the movie Office Space will get these references.
So, a callback for a mammogram means images, then sitting in a waiting room in a wrap, then back for more images and then more waiting.
After a third (or maybe fourth, I lost track) call to the mammography room…
Tech: Okay, I think we got what we need, but no guarantees. We’ll have the radiologist look and see if he wants any more images.
Me: Okay, but I’m gonna start charging you after this, because this many photos of my boob should be worth something.
Upon being called back for the second round of additional images…
Tech: Okay, this time I want you to come in closer and put your breast bone against this edge…
Tech: Now, put your right arm across this.
Tech: Drop your right shoulder.
Tech: Step back your right foot.
Tech: Put the right arm back over here.
Tech: Okay, I think we’re good. So… just relax.
This was as awkward as senior pictures, when the photographer gets you all posed (drop your chin…not that much…turn to the right…not that much…smile…not that much) and then says “now act natural.”
So, I got a callback for a mammogram.
Tech: okay, so we’re going to take several images using three different-sized paddles.
Me: Okey doke.
She then directs me to the machine that has a paddle the size of a half-cup measuring cup.
Me: Um…I don’t think that’s going to be big enough.
After that one, she changed to one the size of a sandwich.
Me: Okay, well, that’s a bit better.
Tech: *more giggles*
Lastly, she puts one on that is the size of a textbook.
Me: NOW we’re getting somewhere….
A recent conversation about justification for skipping the gym:
Mom: I ate healthy at the conference last week.
Bug: So, tell me about this “healthy conference eating.”
Mom: Well, I skipped a meal.
Bug: That’s not healthy.
Mom: I only had one sausage link at breakfast one morning.
Bug: Because you’re a one-sausage kind of gal?
Mom: I am rather monogamous about my sausage.
Another instant message conversation (March 2014):
Mom: not much
Mom: sup witchoo, mouse wrangler?
Bug: oh ya know
Bug: eating breakfast in my office
Bug: cause I had to shave my legs.
Mom: your logic is wonderfully understandable
Mom: which is both worrisome and magical at the same time!
Bug: why worrisome?
Bug: shaving my legs took longer than a normal shower
Bug: hence not enough time to enjoy breakfast at home
Bug: so I threw some oatmeal in a bowl, heated it up at work and bam, breakfast.
Mom: no no…the worrisome part is on me…that I understand your logic perfectly
He (sitting on edge of bed looking at prescription meds): What will happen if I don’t have my meds during the zombie apocalypse?
She (walking through bedroom, not missing a beat): I will miss you.
Conversation in the car this past weekend (March 24, 2012) after talking about storms and tornadoes:
Mom: So, where do you and Jon go during a tornado warning since you don’t have a basement?
Mom: Oh, never mind…you’re in the street with a camera watching the tornado bear down on you, that’s right. That was a stupid question. Seriously…I can’t believe I asked you that.
Via instant message on 1/10/12:
Hubby: yo, can you see if I can this book from a library or swap or someplace:
An Unconventional Guide to Investing in Troubled Times
Wifey: so…are you subconsciously asking for the large print version?
How to tell you’ve had an excellent Christmas break: your dirty laundry is fully comprised of jeans and pajamas.